In the Air 9:36 PM

I can still feel what it sounds like to chant inside the Pantav Leni Caves in Nasik, India. Sometimes I can close my eyes and still feel the vibrations that resonated that day. It's almost like it never stopped. Infinity. I remember Rory and I walked around in the cool darkness, gazing at the old Buddhist statues carved into the rock, and feeling something so much bigger than myself.

There is an EP in the works that shall be called, In the Air. It is a project that has been going on for well over a year now, and it finally feels real and developed. I just love making music. My approach is simple. I just want to contribute to the art and creativity and beauty in this world the best I can, in my own way. By creating a packaged sound of love, gratitude, wonder, and anticipation. I won't make a big effort to market or promote this. My goal is to break even and let anyone who cares hear a part of my soul. I can feel proud just being vulnerable enough to allow that to happen. I am so looking forward to packaging this baby up, and trying to remember that...

Done is better than perfect.

What would LOVE do? 4:30 PM

I have a tendency. To run into Jason Mraz. It's happened six times. I've even had the thought, "I sure hope he doesn't think I'm following him around." Cause I'm not! Serendipity, timing, whatever... these things just happen to me.

About a year ago I asked Mraz for a good quote and he wrote down:

"There is only love- everything else is our resistance to it! - Terces Englehart"

I've had that piece of paper hanging above my desk ever since. It took a couple months before I started wondering who Terces Englehart was, and after a quick google search I realized she and her husband Matthew are the founders of Cafe Gratitude. A school of transformation disguised as a vegan/raw foods restaurant, this is kind of establishment that is valuable to a community. And so I am glad there is now one open in Los Angeles! It's been here a couple of months now and I was lucky enough to attend the launch party where the photo above was taken. In the practice of making requests, I asked Jason for a hug and got a great one. I appreciate the way he uses his voice, in so many different ways.

Risa came to visit shortly after it opened and on a Thursday afternoon we drove out to Larchmont Village for an abundantly healthy lunch in a gorgeous atmosphere. We got a nice table by a huge window that looked out to the street and patio. When the waitress come to take out order she said, "Hey did you see Ashton Kutcher out there? He's eating with Jason Mraz." Again. We laughed and ordered in affirmations, drank green juice, and enjoyed the friendly ambience.

We also got to witness a charming meet cute as a guy and girl got seated next to each other at a row of tables. Though we could not hear their conversation we could see the progression of conversation grow from a casual greeting to a dynamic conversation, and then to an exchange of phone numbers on their iphones. It was fun to watch without listening so we could make up a story and wonder if we really were watching lives being changed for the better during a lunch. Sometimes that's all it takes. Just sitting somewhere at a certain time. They looked like a good pair. Some couples just look good together, like they belong. They had that. I wonder if the waitress noticed that too and sat them next to each other on purpose. Some people have a talent for bringing people together. For seeing a connection before it happens.

I believe in all that. I believe. That real life angels come into our lives and create bridges to people you are supposed to meet... that one person can change your life with greatness that you never knew before... that life can be forever different from a lunch conversation that sparked something... that you can sit in the same space with celebrities and friends and feel comfort in how small this world is... in the feeling of absolute joy of being part of a pairing so good that it is just totally obvious... that a business can raise the consciousness of a community... that a couple can use their relationship to create something grand... that world famous musician is huggable and human... and that if you say, "I am radiant" enough times it will shine out of you.

Risa said it best: "It's impossible to feel bad about yourself here."

I can see clearly now.... 10:06 PM

Life changed a week ago. I got laser eye surgery at the Maloney Vision Institute. I can now wake up in the morning and see my clock.

I am amazed.

Contact lenses and glasses were a normal part of my life for almost fifteen years. Through college my ability to see far away declined quickly (perhaps physiologically and metaphorically) and steadily got worse each year. I've been waiting quite a while for my optometrist, who is also my dad, to give me the okay for LASIK. We had to wait till my vision stabilized and it finally did at a -5.75 on my right eye and -3.50 on my left. This past Christmas my gift from my parents was a green light.

I got referred to Dr. Robert Maloney though a family friend. It all happened fast and smooth. I went in for a consultation and booked a surgery appointment set for three weeks later. February 9th at 8:30 am.

I was nervous. For days, hours, and minutes before. No matter how many times I watched the video of the procedure on their website, it still didn't register in my head that this was actually going to happen to me. Strange as it seems, I was also feeling a bit sad to give up my contacts and glasses that I got used to over the years. An unhealthy attachment perhaps, or a fear of change. Excitement was also very much present, and I was relieved to have everything align so nicely.

When I woke up that morning my heart was about to leap out of my chest. Chris, my designated companion in flight for the day, came by at 6 am and we had a light breakfast of green smoothies and toast with almond butter and honey. We joined the morning commuters to Westwood and took a short stroll around. Reminded me of my days at Jules Stein. Checked in right on time and after I got my paperwork and payment done they gave me a small dose of valium as a sedative. One of Dr. Maloney's assistants lead me to a big chair outside of the operating room where she put a series of eye drops in. Shortly after, she walked me into the operating room and before I knew it I was laying down and Dr. Maloney was greeting me. The night before I was talking to Scott who got it done a few years ago and when sharing my feelings of anxiety with him he said, "at a certain point you just let go." This was that point.

They said the procedure would take five minutes per eye but it felt a lot shorter than that. Dr. Maloney talked to me in his calm voice each step of the way to tell me what he was doing and informed me when I would lose vision and when things would be blurry. I either could not see anything or was looking at a hazy orange light. I could feel pressure on my eye with no pain. Towards the end I could smell burnt tissue, sort of like burned hair. They worked efficiently and confidently. Immediately after, Dr. Maloney asked me to sit up, look at the clock on the wall in front of me, and to tell him what time it was. It was 9:35 am. I could SEE the clock and I could SEE Chris smiling at me, who had been sitting by my feet the entire time. I could see!!! Right way! I sat for about 20 minutes with my eyes closed in the waiting area, got a short exam, and then I was good to go. I put on my goggles and then went home to recover.

I was instructed to go home and take a nap for four hours. Got my tummy filled up with a yummy sandwich, took an ambien, put on a Dr. Brian Weiss meditation and fell asleep fast. When I got up my eyes felt dry, scratchy, and sensitive to light. But not once did I feel pain. I spent the afternoon and evening lounging around and had a wonderfully fulfilling home cooked meal. I felt like I was on vacation. I was well taken care of, provided for, and experienced what seemed like a miracle. I am in awe of how life just keeps getting better.

At my one day follow up exam I was seeing 20/20 out of both eyes though my left eye on its own was a little weaker. For the next few days my eyes continued to feel dry and sensitive to light and in darkness I would see halos around lights. At times it was uncomfortable but easy to tolerate. Each day it got better and now it feels great, my vision is clear, and I am enjoying this new freedom of unassisted vision. These days most things in general seem more clear to me. It is quite a nice feeling.

Vulnerability 7:50 PM

Seems to be a recurring theme lately, though I suppose it's been at least lingering since the moment I left my mother's womb.

I have three clients who have been struggling with a fear of making a mistake while learning to read music. It becomes debilitating at times and I've had a client pull and zip his jacket over his head, another one run to the corner of the room with her face covered, and another crawl under the piano. All I asked them to do was play a short melody line on piano. Well, that is all I verbally asked. What they may have heard was me asking them to look at a music page, identify a note, figure out which key that is on the piano and which finger to play it with, decide how long and how loud to play it, and then to do that again and again while someone is sitting there listening and watching their every move. I suppose that is a bit much to ask of a four year old, or a child with autism. I remember being in my twenties, at least diagnostically normal, and feeling like if I messed up while playing the Entertainer during my piano lesson I would be failing myself, my teacher, she would think I didn't practice, and ever her cute elderly mother in the back room would hear me and think I sucked. So I honor the reactions of my clients and empathize with them. I encourage them to tell me when they are feeling scared or embarrassed, welcome them to make mistakes, acknowledge their courage, and remind them that making mistakes is necessary for learning. I suppose sitting here typing this is me trying to tell myself those same things.

When I first started playing guitar my DREAM was to play in a coffee shop. For years and years I had this vision of standing in front of a small audience of people sipping on warm beverages with an espresso machine sounding in the background. For a long time that vision seemed far fetched as I did not think I was good enough and the thought of playing music in public made me feel nauseous. I got better on guitar, and soon quite comfortable on it. Then I learned to sing. Eventually I was singing and playing at the same time and started writing my own songs. Then I became a music therapist and sang and played guitar at work everyday. I knew I could not ignore the dream, as it started to become a nagging thought in the back of my mind that would grow louder if I did not take some action.

So I did. On a Wednesday night I went to an open mic at C and D's Welcome cafe in Redondo. I was so terrified, I told nobody. I showed up with my Takamine and signed up to play. When it was my turn I plugged in my guitar and it didn't work. A guy named Matt who played before me let me borrow his guitar. We have been friends ever since. I opened with Bob Dylan's Don't Think Twice It's Alright and played a couple originals. I was somehow able to operate under sheer anxiety and fear that my hands, mouth, and brain would forget everything. But I did not. I did well. So for years after that I went back every Wednesday to play, and though it got better the anxiety never really went away. I eventually learned to to play with the fear, and learned tips to cope. During that time I got the opportunity to ask some of my favorite musicians how they deal with performance anxiety and this is what they told me:

Andrew W.K.: "I try not to think of anxiety as a negative emotion. If I think of it as being positive, then it's a feeling that makes me feel alive."

Tristan Prettyman: "If you screw up, so what? Whatever, life goes on, we aren't supposed to be perfect, that's what records are for. Don't apologize for making mistakes. Just have fun and feed off the energy of the audience. Everyone wants to see you succeed, so succeed."

Rachael Yamagata: "A shot of Jack Daniels never hurts! Remember, people want you to win. They are there to want you to succeed so don't doubt that. They also LOVE when you fuck up and get yourself out of it, even if it's embarrassing.... it breaks down walls and makes them pull for you. Trust your heart and your gut. Lessons are for learning so never fear. "

Jason Mraz: "When you play a song, play the shit out of it."

The experience of playing music is one with many simultaneous elements that all add up to an opportunity to bear your soul. On that level it is both terrifying and beautiful. Even if it's one melody line, or a song on guitar, or coordinating all four limbs to play something on a drum kit, it's a chance to make a sound that comes from you that exists in a moment of time where judgement is going be there, mistakes will be made, and emotions will rise. So it's not even about music anymore, and it doesn't have to be music. This can extended to all other creative outputs, or personal relationships, or really anything involving an effort being made. There is risk in putting effort into something I care about. The good thing is, I have something I care about and I care enough to try.

Pinnacles of 2010 12:15 PM

(2007)

(2008)

(2009)

2010

JANUARY:

I swear I feel some magic in the air

New Years with Aussies

Goodbye Dude

Hello Bali

FEBRUARY:

that lights up the beauty existing everywhere

Singapore

New Delhi

Varanasi

the Dalai Lama in Los Angeles

MARCH:

it's all, it's all around me

Started life coaching

Santa Barbara

Home

APRIL:

let it break down the walls already

Moved to Redondo Beach

Started teaching yoga

Ben Gibbard @ the Largo

A hug from Jason Mraz

MAY:

to let this go, let it go, let it go

Hawaii

Baby Taylor

JUNE:

I'm gonna let this go free

Berkley

Santa Cruz

Monterey

San Louis Obispo

JULY:

I want so bad to feel inspired and alive

Inspired Arts & Wellness officially started up

Best Buy and Alvas gigs

AUGUST:

that I will wait for the absolute right time

Juicing with Maryam

Live summer music @ Hermosa Pier

the Talking Stick gig in Venice

Rachael Yamagata @ Hotel Cafe

SEPTEMBER:

and surrender what I'm holding

Whales and dolphins in Redondo Beach

Cafe Gratitude workshop in Topanga

Started at Thelma McMillan

OCTOBER:

and know that it will be amazing

Regressions with Dr. Weiss

Seattle

Launched ifeelinspiredtoday.com

NOVEMBER:

to let this go, let it go, let it go

Leaders Causing Leaders

Rainn Wilson @ Borders

Multiple celebrations of 31

Pancake Thanksgiving Weekend

DECEMBER:

i'm gonna let this go free

Meteor shower from Frasier Mountain

A week with Rory

Holy 35th

Hawaii

This twelve line song of mine fit perfectly into the annual recap. This was a magnificent year full of growth, experience, change, and love. Sometimes in ways that were not always so easy and fun. My mind and body took on some challenges of mourning, disappointment, hurt, doubt, uncertainty, and I can recall a few specific days where I reached a state of total exhaustion. And there were those lovely intestinal parasites in India. Now that I can sit comfortably and look back I can see the good it in all... cause it got me here.

To a place where I can say that I have never felt such a deep affection for my life, myself, and the place where I live.

Some lifestyle changes that happened this year were that I significantly decreased my dairy consumption, became more mindful of the amount of trash I make, started drinking green smoothies for breakfast, sungazed as often as I could, developed a regular mediation practice, started a monthly juice cleanse, and I became a business owner!

A million thoughts of appreciation for every single soul that was a part of 2010. Thank you.

Holy December! 12:14 AM

It’s that time of year. I’m not talking about Christmas, or the holidays, or new years, or gift exchanges, or the change in weather. Rather, everything in between. It’s that enjoyable space between us that exists or those moments of relaxation where all is right. All you have to do is breathe. It is....... the last week of the year.

Every Christmas of my life has been enjoyable. And every day after Christmas has been even better. There is a a great feeling about December 26 that comes with some kind of relief and peacefulness that lasts until the morning of December 31st. I have been fortunate to have always had this week off. A week to enjoy the the closing of a year and a festive season but without the obligation. A time to reflect on the year and resolve for the year that is about to come. A time to surrender to time itself knowing that once my mind awakens on New Years Eve a set of experiences will be set in motion. I suppose it is all part of a collective mindset as all the residents of planet earth enter a new year together. Some of of us ready to take on another year, others nostalgic about the year that has past, and many of us in the in between.

I will do my end of the year recap in a couple days but for right now I want to take some time to acknowledge the greatness of December 2010. I have felt so alive this month. One of the biggest events was reuniting with Rory. There are a chosen few people in my life whose presence makes my soul feel at peace. He is one of them. It’s been almost two years since we’ve seen each other. We got a precious week together and my favorite part of it was a spontaneous trip to the mountain to watch a meteor shower. I also played a Sunday afternoon gig at the Bean Counter in Redondo with Matt, Hugh, and Sara. So good to be playing live music again. And everything else that was a part of this month from a holy 35th birthday party, eating indian food, a kiss on the hand during a music therapy session, crying on a drive back from Barstow, signing Brett Dennen’s It Could Make You Cry over and over, watching John Lennon videos with red wine, and today swimming in the waters of my favorite beach in Hawaii.

I feel as though I keep blogging about the same thing- gratitude. And this is is again. I was born on Thanksgiving, I can’t help it. I wake up every morning thanking the day. And if it is even possible sometimes it’s too much. This Christmas in particular I felt so appreciative that I ended up feeling guilty. To think that earlier this year I was in Indonesia and India that exposed me to things I cannot deny...... and then ended up feasting in Hawaii months later. This makes no sense to me, how this world can be so imbalanced. It makes me feel a thousand things at once, and with an open heart I appreciate that too.

Efficiency 10:38 PM

I would like to acknowledge myself for a productive day all while maintaining a positive attitude.

I haven't had a full day off since my birthday. Since I had this morning free I used it to catch up on life. I was wanting organization so bad that I powered through and before lunch I had already cleaned my room, bathroom, kitchen, fridge, paid bills, evaluated my November financial data, called three potential new clients, worked on my schedule for December, and did two weeks worth of laundry. After a beautiful hummus/zucchini/red pepper/avocado sandwich I put in internet time and replied to neglected emails, ran errands, and then met with a client. Somewhere in there I also managed to get my hair cut and watched a brilliant sunset. Ended the day at the Riviera Village Holliday Stroll with Hugh where we drank some free boxed wine from the shops amongst children misbehaving, carolers caroling, and dogs dressed up as reindeer in the Redondo crowd. Crowded it was, though with a nice sense of community and holiday anticipation. Or maybe not even anticipation. It's here. It's December!

Benny and I have been having great email conversations while he is currently in Agonda Beach in Goa. Part of what came up recently is one thing that is so appealing about travel is not having to deal with what seems like mundane chores or errands. No driving, no cooking, limited responsibility. This is especially nice when traveling without a cell phone and limited internet access. Then the daily life becomes more about the flow, and DOING. However, as we correspond to each other I realize that with a certain amount of shifting of perspective the everyday stuff doesn't have to be so restricting. There is no rule that says that's the way it is. It only is if I allow it to be. I went through the day thinking of what I was doing as activities that maintain a great life, and being grateful that I was able to do it, and then the flow was there. Needs and wants became the same thing.

I saw this quote engraved on a necklace tonight:

"Time is too slow for those who wait

too swift to those who fear

too long for those who grieve

too short for those who rejoice

but for those who love, time is eternity."

Sun Gazing 9:10 PM

On a flight from Mumbai to Hong Kong I sat by and Indian couple who introduced me to the term "sungazing." They told me they watch the sun rise and set everyday and it helps keep their spirits high and bodies balanced. At the ashram I witnessed some powerful sunsets and also learned that when you look at something for long enough you absorb its energy. Stare at a Monet painting for long enough and it makes sense. Stare at the sun long enough and you'll burn your eyes, so instead with a safe "gaze" you can absorb the energy of that which sustains our lives.

I unofficially committed to sungazing during the Thanksgiving weekend. I got up just before 6 am to see the day break and went back at 4:45pm to see the sun set. All from the beautiful shores of Redondo Beach. I couldn't actually see the rising sun but it was just as wonderful to watch the the sky slowly shift from soft to brighter hues while the mental energy of the community remained at rest. It's almost heavenly. To add to the magic, the dolphins came out and one day I even saw a sea otter.

Tips for sungazing:

1. Take off your shoes and allow your bare feet to touch the Earth. This will ground you and make you more physically connected to all that is around you.

2. Do a headstand. Touching your head to the Earth will be healthy for your brain function. If you happen to fall and embarrass yourself laugh it off.

3. Say a little prayer.

4. Invite someone along and pretend you are a tourist in your familiar space.

Leaders Causing Leaders 8:08 PM

I attended a conference earlier this month in Long Beach called Leaders Causing Leaders. It was a two day event packed with workshops, panels, and lectures to attend that covered a huge range of inspirational subjects in personal, business, and social development. The universal theme that seemed to weave through all that was offered was "be the change you want to see."

The highlights for me were:

Challenge Day "The Challenge Day mission is to provide youth and their communities with experiential programs that demonstrate the possibility of love and connection through the celebration of diversity, truth, and full expression."

Eric Saperston "Sometimes you take a trip and sometimes a trip takes you."

Jason Mraz "My goal is to a clear channel to deliver something."

Terces and Matthew Englehart : "Make acknowledgement the currency of your community."

My buddy Matthew from SuperForest has a bunch of footage on his youtube channel.

The conference was well organized, motivational, and informative. In addition to the condensed schedule of speakers there were yoga sessions, live music, vendors, and lots of open hearted people to meet. Events like these can change the world.

A Birthday Manifesto 10:13 PM

In this next year of my life I commit to honoring my full potential as a member of my community. My life is my message. I am in instrument of love, creativity, positive change, and peace.

1. I will put effort and enthusiasm into the growth of my business.
2. With passion and dedication I will be the best music therapist I can be.
3. I will invest in my personal relationships to cultivate growth of myself and others.
4. I will release an album of original music.
5. I will visit 3 places I have never been to.
6. I will practice loving without expectation or judgement, and not be hard on myself when I slip up.
7. I will regularly step outside of my comfort zone and allow myself to be vulnerable.
8. I will be of service when I can authentically contribute, and ask for help when I need it.
9. I will adore, acknowledge, and respect myself, the people in my life, mother earth, and my home everyday.
10. I will feed my soul with music, creativity, connection, conversation, laughter, gratitude, and brilliant moments.

That said, I will try my best to be the space for all of this while letting go of control over an outcome. I trust life's timing to deliver as I do my part.

__________________________

I started this blog one year ago and on that day I ignited a big plan of traveling around the world. And I DID IT. One thing I can acknowledge myself for is that I follow through on doing the things I say I want to do. I am grateful for every single experience I had in year 30. I DID SO MUCH and it all brought me here sitting in this chair full of optimism for the next year. In this moment I feel a relief that I am in a different place that I was a year ago. The wanderlust and adventure was fun but one of the biggest things I learned in the past year is that I want a place that feels like home.

My birthday this year was a bit out of character for me. I usually do not like making a big deal out of it. This year I somehow ended up celebrating three nights in a row. And you know what, I enjoyed it. I keep writing these blogs about how grateful I am, and I am astounded at how my capacity for gratitude keeps expanding. It's a beautiful thing.

Hug Quota 7:27 PM

A leadership conference. A baby shower. A funeral. A friend's live music gig. What is one thing these events have in common? They can all significantly increase a person's daily hug quota.

A psychotherapist named Virginia Satir said we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 for maintenance, and 12 for growth. While the true effects of a hug are more qualitative than quantitative there is something about these numbers that make sense. A couple weekends ago after a full day of workshopping at a conference I went to bed totally exhausted yet happy. As I recalled the good events of the day I realized that I got quite a lot of hugs. So many that I wasn't even sure of the number but guessed it to be between 20 and 30. At day 2 of the conference I decided to keep a count and by the end of the day I was up to 39. What fascinated me most was that at the end of the day I could recall every single one.

Through the following weekdays I also kept track of the hugs and most days it was less than 5. But then the weekend came again and in came a flood of hugs at a baby shower and funeral. By then I let go of trying to keep track and I'm not going to count anymore cause I don't want this to be about numbers. What I do want it to be about are multiple DAILY genuine connections, and hugs are one concrete way to get that. It makes me wonder what my lifetime hug quota will be and all the people who get to be a part of that. So many people. It's a beautiful thought.

If I had my way everyday I'd conveniently get to hug those people I care most about. We all have those people in our lives where one hug from them is worth a million. Though I don't get to see most of these people everyday, there are lots of other expressions of love that can defy distance and even time. And when I think about how many of those I get a day I feel pure gratitude.