Thank You August 4:49 PM

"What are you attached to?"

Was the question asked tonight at the Ananda Meditation Center. It made me happy that it took me a while to think of something, and my answer wasn't all that bad. If this had been asked a year ago I would have said a guy named Jared, traveling, saving money, and an album I was working on. Those things were not terribly bad either but the stress of each pulled on me. Not anymore!

These days my attachments are the internet, food, and music. But these are very general things, so what is underneath that causing feelings of attachment? I feel like the internet keeps me connected to the world. I don't watch TV or listen to the radio much so I get my news online. All the people I've met traveling I can keep up with on facebook even if they are all the way down in Australia (it is very hard to coordinate a phone call to Australia). And I love blogging, I've been doing it for over 10 years now. With food I feel connected to the earth and the service of people. Like this cup of tea I'm drinking, I just think of all the people involved to get this to me. Lucky for me my food attachment isn't a craving for donuts or In and Out Burger but when I wake up in the morning I cannot wait to make me a green smoothie and sip it and smile. And I love a good meal in good company, on my juice cleanse I learned how much of a social thing eating is. Tonight Maryam and I ate fish and veggie burritos and shared a lovely hour together. And music.... that's where I feel pure love, at times it's my higher power.

I am realizing that my attachment is actually to feeling connected. I feel joy and happiness when I feel connected, I feel alive. I am aware that this is like a drug for me.

As August 2010 comes to an end I look back and realize I experienced an abundance of introductions and new connections. I've met all kinds of people from a woman named Amor to Brett Dennen's girlfriend. I met the talented and sweet man who produced John Mayer's Continuum. I LOVE THAT ALBUM. I met a singer named Rohwyn who kindly brought me along to a diner to eat with Rachael Yamagata and her band. I met a writer named Erin who hosted a beautiful workshop in her home in Topanga. I met a man who once met Jimi Hendrix in Seattle. I met a manager of Cafe Gratitude who told a story of meeting her dad for the first time. I met a dietitian, a nutritionist, an owner of a recording studio, and the executive director of a program I'm going to do music therapy and yoga with. I've even connected with someone I've never even met through my accountant (aka Don the Nicest Man Ever) and even if it's just getting a thoughtfully written email or being in the presence of someone who has done beautiful things, it's still that same great feeling.

I will proudly say that one talent I've been blessed with is the ability to meet whoever I want. And I mean whoever. No matter how high profile, if I really want to meet someone it happens. I've met my biggest heroes, multiple times. I will frequently boast about this cause it seems like the more I do the more it happens.

Thank you August. Looking forward to September.

Tears of a grown man. 11:05 PM

I ran into a former patient of mine today in the halls of the hospital that I occasionally work at. When he saw me his face lit up, then melted as tears welled up in his eyes and he said, "I'm so happy to see you, I miss your music."

This is it. This is the reminder that is so important to get, not just as a music therapist but as a human being. That our lives influence even the ones we don't think about anymore.

Let's just call him Simon (no it's not Paul Simon). Problem is he has DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder aka Multiple Personality Disorder) and he has over 300 personalities (or alters as we call it), so one of them may very well be named Simon. But for the sake of making up a name let's just use that. I met Simon back in the day when I worked full time at the hospital on the trauma unit. He came in a mess, and when I did his assessment he sat cowering and crying in a corner of the room. His dissociation was uncontrollable and his history of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse was one of the worst I have ever heard. I won't even say it here in fear of tainting any reader's view of what kind of place this world is for some people. I remember how much it tested my optimism.

The program I worked on was made of a team of great therapists, doctors, and nurses. On this team it was my job to do the "fun stuff," the music, art, meditation, exercise, or anything else creative. Simon loved the music therapy groups. His dissociation would mellow out, and he would even smile at times just to hear live music. He's one of those people who carry their ipod on them so much that it becomes a part of them. So we related to each other as two music fanatics and he'd play me songs on his ipod that I just had to hear and during music therapy groups his enthusiasm for it was contagious to the other patients. I'll admit, part of why I liked working with him so much was that when he was in my group I was a big hit. Despite all that he had been through and his fragile psychological state, he could say that he was a person who loved listening to music.

I helped him work through some of his stress triggers, one of them being the word "relax." I didn't know this was a trigger until I did a relaxation group and he was nearly convulsing and crawling on the ground after having PTSD episode after some breathing exercise. He later told me that I kept saying the word "relax" which set him off. So together we brainstormed how I could avoid using the word "relax" in the relaxation groups and practiced staying grounded in case I accidentally let it slip out. It's easy to find synonyms for "relaxing" as an adjective but not so easy as a verb.

Simon came in and out of the program over the next couple of years and happened to be in when I resigned from the position to go travel the world. On my last day there, in my last group he refused to participate and sat in the back with his arms crossed, pouting. But when it was time for me to leave at the end of the day I came around to say good bye to everyone and he walked up to me with tears falling out of his eyes and he was able to express his gratitude and we parted with a warm hug.

Today when I saw him he was in a wheelchair since one of his alters has an eating disorder. I walked along side of him for a bit to catch up. We acknowledged that we may never see each other again and shared a nice moment of appreciation for each other. Thank you.

In my career I've witnessed all kinds of people crying, tears of joy and pain. But there is something about seeing a grown man in this state. Other than Simon I've seen the tears of a vice-principle, attorney, and a very large seven foot tall man. I don't TRY to do this it just happens, and I say go for it, let it out.

Where the light is. 10:43 PM

I'd like to present an example of how it is possible to get everything you want. And how sometimes living in Los Angeles can get you in a situation where you have to choose between seeing a guru or John Mayer.

Today was one of those days where everything happens at the same time, creating the illusion that you have to choose between the options. I got scheduled to work an eight hour shift, which is a welcome event even on a Sunday. I try to take every shift I can work into my schedule. However a few weeks ago I found out that Swami Kriyananda was going to be giving a talk in Hollywood at the Ford Amphitheater. Since he is a direct disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda, the teachers at the meditation center were so excited about so it I thought I should go see what the big deal is and to participate in a spiritual event. Then last week I got reminded by John Mayer himself (by following him on twitter) that he would be playing at the Hollywood Bowl on the magic day of August 22nd. As much as I like my job and wanted to work, I didn't want to pass up either event so I called everyone I could to cover my shift, but to no avail.

It was a bit of a relief since I was battling it out in my mind whether I should go see Swami Kriyananda or John Mayer. Do I go see someone with a small ego or big ego? Do I go to an event to deepen my sense of spirituality or to watch a hot guy play guitar? But that's not why I like him so much. I get a lot of shit for this especially in my circle of musician friends, but I don't care, I will openly declare my love for John Mayer's music. I greatly admire his songwriting and guitar skills.

After talking with Sara last night I realized I probably could still work and make it out to Hollywood if I hustled enough and got off early. So that is what I did today. I worked through my breaks and got everything done by 4:30. Since I already had a ticket to see Swami and I knew my friend Chase would be there I chose the guru over the guitarist and drove straight out to the Ford Amphitheater, which turns out to be RIGHT NEXT to the Hollywood Bowl. I made it just in time and got a pretzel and a good seat.

The Ford Amphitheater is a fantastic venue. In all my years of concert going I didn't even know it existed, but it's a small outdoor venue with a great view at every seat and a nice atmosphere. I was immediately glad that I was there. Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations with God) gave a nice introductory speech. While he was talking, some music in the distance started and it was Owl City, Mayer's opening band! I could hear the Hollywood Bowl show at the same time! Swami Kriyanada came onstage with the beautiful energy of a spiritually advanced being. He was in a wheelchair because of some recent health problems but gave a nice talk about his life and how he met his guru and his life before and after. One thing that stuck in my head was when he mentioned there is no such thing as failure. There is "I have not succeed yet" but not "I failed."

Before the lecture ended a woman came onstage to talk about a new book that Swami Kriyananda wrote presenting research about how he is the reincarnated Henry I. I'm all about past lives but this was a bit much for me, maybe one day I'll be ready to take this in a little more , but when I heard the Hollywood Bowl crowd erupt by what was most likely the presence of John Mayer I totally stopped listening to her. Though I had a small moment of wanting a view of the Bowl I just relaxed in my seat and listened and felt happy that I just experienced everything I wanted in this day. I was able to work, get some spiritual inspiration, and hear John Mayer play live.

My drive home was made beautiful with a conversation with Benny as we talked about the great things we always talk about- India, yoga, and love. I felt so energized by the time I got home I didn't want to stay in so I gathered my things and went out and....did my laundry. Which is what I am doing now in a comfortable house with City Love playing loudly overhead.

Eat, Pray, Love 11:39 PM

Some questions that I frequently get asked:

• What is music therapy?
• Are you a vegetarian?
• How old are you?
• Have you read Eat Pray Love?

Short answers: Using music for non-musical goals, most of the time, 30, and yes more than once.

Ok I will admit, more than twice. I'm asked about this book because in most social conversations I can easily bring up tales about my travels to Italy, India, and Indonesia..... or to the many countries I've visited in the past couple years. Like Elizabeth Gilbert my time in these countries particularly expanded my experience of life. And that's putting it lightly. I have memories in these places so strong that I can just close my eyes right now and still see it, smell it, and taste it. Clearly. And especially clearly right now since I just saw the movie. Nat and I went to see it tonight at the Gold Class Cinemas in Pasadena. She said it would be like sitting first class in an airplane. She was right, this made the Arclight seem ordinary.

I'm not going to critique the movie, I can't because I feel much to attached to give an honest answer. But I will say I was happy with the ways the cultures were presented and of course, the book was better.

When I saw the trailer a few months ago I got concerned that seeing this movie would trigger a that restless tiger inside of me. I've done pretty well at taming it over the past six months so I could focus on my business plans and personal relationships at home. But it's still there, I feel it. And I sometimes have to tiptoe around it, careful not to wake up a potential roar of wanderlust that I know from the past. Two years ago I decided the "American Dream" was not my dream, that working 40 hours a week paycheck to paycheck is no way to live life, and that there was a world out there I wanted to see. So I donated most of my belonging and put the rest of it in a storage unit, saved up money and quit my full time job, and took off and travelled. I never felt so ALIVE and FREE.

And just to remind myself, I am still very alive and have more freedom than most people I know.

But of course that feeling of being "alive" is just more intense outside of familiarity. Like Liz I ate my way through Italy (pizza, gelati, and pasta every single day and didn't gain a pound), lived at an ashram in India, and met the healers Ketut Liyer and Wayan Nuriashi in Bali. Through the movie I got flashbacks of taxi rides in India, drunken moments from Italian wine, romance in foreign lands, the ease of making new friends abroad, learning languages, learning lessons, laughing, crying, ohhhhh man I miss it all. Not that it doesn't happen in my life here, it does. But in travel everything is accelerated and magnified. The amount of things you do in a day are equal to a week in "real life" and spending a week with someone traveling is like putting in years into a relationship.

This week I've been feeling somewhat discouraged at the state of some of my personal relationships. I had an unsettling moment where I felt like nothing has changed even though I have been around the world twice. I actually asked myself, has anything changed? And did I learn anything if it all just went back to the way it was?

After all I've done in the past couple years that is a scary question to have to face. The obvious answer is that OF COURSE I've learned, and so much has changed. I suppose one of the things I learned is that you can't run away from anything.

When I met Ketut Lityer he told me I am very lucky, will live to be 100, gave me sex advice, and taught me a meditation to help open my heart. He said, "you have to believe." Believe.

Food! 12:25 AM

Food again! The 2 day juice cleanse turned into 4. The first two days were pretty easy so I wanted to take on more of a challenge and I'm glad I did because each day was different.

By the end of the second day Maryam and I learned the beauty of variety. Even by then I was sick of carrot juice. The third day got a little harder and I felt like I was PMSing with my senses heightened and irritability setting in. I also strained myself a bit from doing yoga the day before and worked all day. So that night Maryam and I were kind to ourselves and went to get massages at the Relaxation Spot in Riviera Village. SOoooo good. The fourth day was the hardest and I felt a bit lightheaded at night but really not all that bad. I found that when I woke up in the morning and committed my mind and actions to juicing, then it was easy to just accept that's the way its gonna be that day. I wasn't even tempted to eat because it wasn't an option.

Tempted or not I realized food was everywhere and had to turn it down many times over the past four days. So much of our social life involves eating. The smell of food is everywhere also. As is talk of eating. These are just observations I'm not saying it's good or bad. A good meal is a an excellent reason for people to get together, but it would be nice to be more creative in the way we spend time together.

So this morning I broke my fast by eating a grapefruit! I had a bowl of soup for dinner six hours ago and I still feel full. I can feel the food in my stomach and its strange but nice. I am being mindful of what I put back into my body and all I am craving are healthy things anyway... lentils, raw veggies, hummus, sprouted bread, salad...... I enjoyed every single bite of food I took today!

I plan on doing this again next month. Just to make it clear this is not some kind of weight loss diet. To be sure of that I didn't weigh myself before, so it wouldn't be about that.

What I learned about juice cleansing:

1. Set an honest intention.

2. Give your taste buds a variety of flavors.

3. Don't let yourself get too hungry.

4. Do it with a buddy.

Juicy! Day One. 10:22 PM

Here I sit in the last few hours of Juice Cleanse Day One. And I feel great! Maryam and I have committed to at least two days of juicing for wellness, because we thought it would be fun. Really. We've been pretty excited about this for weeks now. So we prepared this weekend by buying bulks of veggies and fruits- carrots, celery, apples, beets, spinach, parsley, green peppers, red peppers, bananas, mangoes, grapes, avocados, watermelon, and ginger. Endless combination possibilities! We wrote up a menu for the next couple days and stayed up till midnight chopping up what we could in advance.

We got up this morning all ready to juice with our huge bowl of fruits and veggies, set up the juicer, flipped on the power switch..... and nothing happened. We tried to troubleshoot to no avail. It was quite a setback to have masses of things to juice and a clear and good intention to do so and a faulty juicer. A setback but not a problem. Maryam went off to work and got some fresh juice from whole foods and I improvised and used my blender. I had the morning off so I went to Target and got another juicer, came home, plugged it in, and it worked!

So here was my beautiful super deeelish juice feast today:

Breakfast: mango, almond milk, vitamineral green

Lunch: carrot, beet, celery, apple, parsley

Dinner: mango, avocado, spinach, green pepper, apple

And now I sit here drinking some warm ginger/lemon/apple cider vinegar/honey tea. These juices are so gooooooood that I didn't miss eating and though I did get hungry in the afternoon it's all nice and satisfying. And oh so tasty.

Why am I even doing this....... i love eating, i love food. And that's why. A practice in letting go. Giving my body and mind a break. Exercising willpower and commitment. To detox, clean out my digestive system, and eliminate toxins. I was a bit concerned since I am very moody when hungry and I have to be careful not to let my blood sugar drop or I turn into a crazy person. So I thought oh man how am I not gonna eat.... but I realized I've done it before. I was on a liquid diet for a week after getting a tonsillectomy and earlier this year when I got sick in India and this is a billion times healthier than drinking salty lime sodas and eating crackers for a week. So today all is well. I prepared for this by going vegetarian for a week before, and the weekend before eating smaller meals, and my last meal last night was nice light and healthy sproutada from the Green Temple.

Another concern I have is the emotional one that comes up anytime I've detoxed or cleansed. I've done numerous sugar detoxes, a yeast cleanse, and vaman at the ashram. And each time the challenge was dealing with a change in mood. This time I welcome any feelings that want to present themselves and will be present to coexisting with them. Since this is a whole body/mind/emotional thing I've also committed to daily meditation and not communicating with any person I have an unbalanced relationship with. Using these next few days to be kind to myself, strong in character, and honoring my best and healthiest self.

Hope vs. Expectation 11:35 PM

The topic of yesterday's meditation was "discrimination." Not in terms of racial or gender injustice, but rather being able to understand the difference between one thing and another. For example, being able to recognize right from wrong. Or standing at a fork in the road and being able to realize which one is truly best for you. The question that came to mind for me was, "how can you discriminate between hope and expectation?"

To me hope is something that is meant to help you out through life. It's the foundation for optimism, one of the forces that get you out of bed in the morning, and a feeling that allows you to look forward to something. I've had my moments of losing hope but as a relentless optimist it comes back easily. But I've seen people lose hope completely and that is quite a scary place to be.

Expectation on the other hand is something that can get you into trouble. It can create a false sense of reality and set you up for disappointment. It doesn't let you experience reality for what it is, and it doesn't let people be who they actually are. There was all kinds of talk about non-expectation at the ashram. It was a bit easier to practice non-expectation living the simple life and I found that when I did I was blessed with a billion great surprises. However here in a life of busy interaction, big goals, new and old relationships, and constant coming and goings, it's just not so easy.

Though it seems like you could discriminate hope as being good and expectation as being bad, it's pretty hard for me to tell the difference when faced with desire. They both come from desire, and for me both create an optimistic thought. Rarely are my expectations negative (though maybe that's a problem), in fact they tend to be too positive, too lofty, too big. So, for example if you call someone on the phone and leave a voicemail, is it a hope OR expectation that they will call you back? Can you hope for them to call you back without expecting? And then this brings in the concepts of BELIEF and ATTACHMENT. In my experience, I've found that if you truly believe in something hard enough it will come true. It's happened. But can you believe in something without attachment?

I think the question came to me because I can see the way expectation has diminished some of my experiences. Usually when I get the feeling that "something is wrong" it's because an expectation was not met. So I just want to be more careful of where my idealistic brain takes me. It will run into the fluffy white clouds if I let it. Leaving room for surprise, letting go of control, and not worrying about an outcome.

I feel inspired today. 10:40 PM

INSPIRED Arts & Wellness. Is my business. Is my new creative project. Is an instrument for me to cultivate positive change, inspiration, harmony and healing by making a living using my talents and passions.

I did it. I've been thinking of doing this for almost 5 years..... I remember the thought first coming to me within the first few months of working full time as a board certified music therapist. I was employed by a corporation, and then by another one, and then eventually felt so burdened by a 9 to 5 job, 40 hour work week, and the regulations of corporate America that I removed myself from it. Life is not supposed to be that way, not mine anyway. I still do pick up shifts every so often but it's always by choice.

I'm swimming in choices these days as this labor of love takes more shape everyday. Funny how the start is really just a matter of filling out a form and turning into the Los Angeles County's registrar's office with a check for $23. It's just a piece of paper and some money. But that is the ACTION that came from an IDEA.

In this moment it's all in the baby stages and there is that feeling of nervousness, excitement, and wonder. Like when I was 21 and had to sing in front of people for the first time, or sitting on an airplane headed to London, or getting my feet off the ground to do a yoga headstand. I believe in the rewards that come out of stepping out of your comfort zone. I am committed to continuously challenging myself to grow, learn, and love in big ways.

One Year. 10:21 PM

Imagine your life. This IS it.

You have this lifetime. Hypothetically condense all that time down into one year. Your one lifetime in the grand scheme of time is way smaller than that, but use a year for some perspective and inspire a feeling of urgency. You have one year to live. What are you going to do? What are you going to commit to? Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? What are you going to let go of? How are you going to live? What are you willing to tolerate? What do you want to CREATE?

Go.

On the streets of Berkeley 10:51 PM

Best of You 11:37 PM

I’m sitting in the Honolulu airport on the first day of a surprise vacation. I’m spending a week in Hawaii because I felt it pulling on my soul so I took off since I could. I do very much appreciate this life I live that allows me to make last minute travel plans like this.

I brought my travel journal with me that I started in Bali and read through it on the flight over. It’s been three months since I returned from that trip. Looking back over these past few months I am able to see that I experienced at home the things I was hoping to gain in India before I left early. I saw the Dalai Lama and listened to him talk about compassion, developed a better meditation practice, became more experienced in yoga by teaching it, made new connections, and improved my personal relationships, became clearer about my life goals, played and recorded music, and found a light to spark a fire inside of me.

Fire.

I attended a meditation session on Monday night at the Ananda Mediation Center that I’ve driven past a thousand times. I had been curious about it for years and finally I told myself, GO. Today. Glad I did. A man named Turiya lead us through a guided mediation that seemed to fly by. I found it to be calming and easy to focus on. Then he gave a talk on the topic of “service” that nicely hit home. He went off on some kind of tangent about looking at a person’s best potential and believing in it when you look at them as a way to build positivity and compassion. As an idealist I do this, and I believe it is part of my personality and a big part of the work I do. However it has not always served me well, because of the consequence of disappointment. So at the end when he asked if there were any questions I raised my hand and asked, “wouldn’t seeing people in their best potential eventually lead to disappointment when they don’t live up to it or do something to let you down?”

Turiya’s response was something like this...

It is their choice to walk through the door. You have no control over whether someone else is living their best. Often people do not because they are not ready to or because they have something they need to learn. You only have control over yourself and your actions. Just do your part and do your best to believe in someone’s greatest potential without expectation or attachment. It exists even if they are doing things that go against it. All you can do is your part. It is their choice to walk through the door.

Alright, I get it........

And now I am in Hilo, and very amused that my brother has a beard and looks like Dave Grohl.